www.flickr.com

peace

Rebuild School in Sichuan : Sichuan 5.12 Earthquake School Rebuilding Project Birthday Cause Donations:
$735(facebook) + $120(paypal)

thank you, everyone!

Donate free food:
the hunger site

swimming

[note on 4/16/08: swimming has been proscribed by my eye doctor indefinitely.]

Sunday, September 13, 2009

the long post where i tell you everything... (part 1)

-- everything i've been meaning to write about here, anyway...

i've begun to suspect that the peaks and valleys of my intention to close this blog coincides with my menstrual cycle. (how's that for a start?) i was told around mid-thirties, women's menstrual symptoms tend to magnify -- cramps, mood swings, ... everything gets worse. this has been true for me i've noticed. i started writing this post after crying myself awake one morning during my last period. i had meant it to be the last one, but of course, a week later, i've changed my mind again.

still, i am feeling compelled to write this long post -- perhaps it will be my last blog post here, perhaps not, but i'm almost certain it will be the longest... the problem is it's going to take a long time to write, and a long time for people to read when it comes out in one piece, if i ever finish it. so i thought i'd just publish it in parts as i write.

9-6-09

we are each made of people who've touched our hearts one way or another. like a tree is made of the winds, sun rays, raindrops, squirrel traces and bird poops that it lets pass or stay. people touch our hearts with their love, and with ours that they bring out, sometimes mixed with happiness and hope, sometimes with sadness, resentment, longing, and despair. who do you choose to let stay?

i've recently been called a "go-getter." by someone who doesn't really know me though, so this person's words carry little validity to contradict my long-established self identity as a giving, unselfish, sometimes overly accommodating person. but i still find myself bothered, because the word carries such negative connotation, especially when the "go-getter" behavior refers to a woman getting a man she desires, a man who, for this and that reasons in the eyes and logic of normal people, perhaps shouldn't be hers. but i'm not here to talk about gendered norms of intimate relationships (i'll save that for my class), nor do i really feel the need to clear my name; i am here to talk about love, to friends who are surprised or puzzled by me from time to time, and to strangers who are curious enough to read this.

ex is getting married in a month. i am happy for him. he was too shy to talk about her when i last called, but a mutual friend showed me some pictures of her -- she looked cute and sweet and there was brightness and presence in her smile. it is not my place to approve of her or not; my poignancy stems not from jealousy, but from a sense of relief that the abandonment was not fatal, that he is finally well, and this new woman, perfectly adorable, is proof.

no loved one is ours to keep. not friends, not our children, not our legally wedded spouses for fifty years, not the one who calls you the love of their life, nor the one who begs and finds a way to stay. they are not ours to keep because we are made of all of them. we are made of that pale green hawaiian shirt he used to wear for happy outings every time, that rare moment of tenderness when he stroked your hair instead of yelling at you for missing a left-turn light, the curly lock of hair on his forehead that he himself wasn't fond of, the way he'd scratch his cheek with the back of his thumb, the blossoming of his smile as you caught sight of each other, that self-reproaching tut he let out in front of everyone when you slipped on grass and he thought he had made you fall, the weight of his sweat drops on your skin, how he once came to your dreams through the ceiling...

[to be continued]

Saturday, September 12, 2009

portland walks #1: laurelhurst

portland is a perfect place for doing a project like walking berkeley. we all know i would fail miserably if i set out to walk every street of portland, though. i don't have a scooter and a car for no reason. plus, i'm an INFP - I Never Finish Projects. still, the idea of exploring portland on walks excites me and today i finally dragged my ass out of the house and did a bit more walking than 3 blocks to the cuban restaurant.

i went to laurelhurst park and walk back through a bit of the laurelhust neighborhood. pictures are here with captions and cats!

Sunday, August 30, 2009

i almost said goodbye

this blog has been in existence for 3 years. about a week ago while i was contemplating the journey of the blog and the recent turns in my life, i decided it was time to say goodbye--i would leave the blog as is, but there would be no more posting after the anniversary/goodbye post.

in the past year, postings here have been sparse and i haven't had time to write thoughtfully. most of you are also on facebook where you get instant updates of my whereabouts and whatabouts; double-posting is not entirely blog-motivating as you can imagine. a main reason though, is that i feel i may not be able to write freely about deeply personal issues for a while. starting a teaching job and fearing students bumping into the blog is only a small part of this. in recent months, my personal life has taken unexpected turns that make it unwise to share too much of my inner world publicly, which truly saddens me -- not to be able to live life as openly as one aspires to.

but i've obviously changed my mind (see title). perhaps the past week's orientation at the college uplifted my mood. i may retract it after the first week of teaching, but i can't remember feeling this easy to fit in during any of the past institutional transitions. (i will have to find time to do a separate post on this.) so i'm not quitting the blog, but honestly, teaching will take up most of my time so i'm not sure how much i will be writing here anyway. we'll see how it goes.

on a lighter note, some of you are still waiting to hear how i'm settling in at the new place. i'm glad to report that i've been really enjoying portland. such a neat city, easy to navigate, great public transportation, has all my favorite/familiar stores (trader joe's, world market, etc.) and plus, i'm no longer the only one in store with a huge backpack since so many people in this town bike everywhere, including grocery stores.

i've finally taken some photos of my new place -- there's still some work to be done here and there but it's in functional shape. in fact, it's much neater than my old place during the last half a year!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

moved!

i've moved and here's the updated, not well-documented moving chronicle:



more pictures of the new place later. it's actually in pretty good shape now, thanks to my wonderful sister for helping me unpack, and i've been really enjoying it, but there's a little bit more shopping and rearranging to do which will probably have to wait till a couple of weeks into the new semester.

class starts on monday!

Saturday, August 15, 2009

2 day from moving day



i've decided to truck it to portland instead of using a moving company, which at the last minute turned out to be not ideal both in terms of budget and convenience. sister will be driving with me.

i'm almost done packing, or so i feel.

on another note, i spent a few days at sea ranch with friends earlier this week and it was a wonderful mini-vacation. photos on flickr.

p.s. blog posts may remain terse for the next couple of weeks. bear with me...